Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Straw That Broke The Camels Back...

Im so sick of everyone saying, "You guys should get married!"... Some people mean it, and other people are just teasing. But, either way, it gets old super fast!

You think I have thought about it? You think I havent actually considered marrying him? Im so afraid that I will never find anyone I get along with better. Someone who will understand me better. Someone I have that much fun with! Im afraid to hope for anything better than him... And yet...

I do hope. Because I know him better than any of you. I know him! And knowing him that much, makes me realize that I cant marry him. He has a flaw that some people wouldnt see as a flaw. But, I do. The one thing that I would not be able to let go, and that he shouldnt have to change just for me. So, while I may be afraid to hope for something better, I have to.

Bottom line...Stop saying it. Ive thought it through more times than all of you put together. It wouldnt work.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

I Hate This Feeling

Im hopeless. I really think I love him. I dont know what to do anymore. Hes my friend, hes not my friend. Hes my friend, hes not my friend. The kid needs help. Hes not letting me help him.

By not letting me help him, hes making me feel the struggle hes going through. I feel so helpless...

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Thats it! Im working my abs!

This actually happened to me last night at a wedding reception...Molly is my friends little sister. She is six years old.

Molly: "I thought you were a Mom!"
Bryn: (a little confused) "You thought I was a Mom?"
Molly: "Yeah, cause you have a baby tummy!"

What Do You Say?

He said it. I knew he felt. I never thought about it, but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew he felt that way. I shouldve backed off and respected the feeling I was trying to deny, but I kept at my same old usual burst of normal unfeelingness.

He said it. I think it was uncalled for. Greg thought it was uncalled for. He didnt say that he felt that way, but by the way he was trying to joke and make light the currently horrendously awkward situation in which the whole room was placed, I could tell. I dont even think that Esther or Lindsey noticed. Dan mabye, but its doubtful.

What could I say? In one single sentence he had single handedly taken away my only safe-haven. My residence of refuge. My home. He took that away, and now what do I have? All three of my sisters have apartments. That wont work out. Ive been to all of them and I cant call any of those home.

I cant call my current place of residence my home. Its not a home. Its a house where several members of my family unfortunately also happen to occupy. Yes, for the most part we get along. But, with no car and no place to retreat, what do I do when we fight? Locking myself in my room didnt work out last time. Im not safe anywhere.

I hope youre happy Mark. I hope you feel a lot better that I wont be coming back.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Lois & Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman

As I watch shows such as Gilmore Girls, My Boys or even Lois & Clark, I find myself engrossed in deep feelings. The way they are written are so intense and heart-wrenching. For me, anyway. I have an incredible sense of empathy for individual characters.

I was watching four sequential episodes of Lois & Clark on that had to do with Kryptonians that had managed to be rescued and start their own civilization coming to earth to find Kal-el and take him home to rule over them, as he was born of noble blood. I watched Lois' reaction to fearing the worst as her fiancee to decide whether to stay with the women he loved, or to go home and put an end to rebellion, civil wars and over all chaos on the planet "New Krypton".

Forced with this horrifying problem, I dared not to even try to fathom what Supermans feelings would be. His inate sense of love and compassion for everybody, for human life would cause his feelings to swing toward leaving for New Krypton. But, the peace, contentment, frienship, love and passion that he had known with Lois would cause the pendulam to swing the other way. Carefully weighing the facts over and over in his mind he finally decided to leave.

Lois even begged Zara (Supermans wife from birth), with eyes full of tears, not to take him. But, as Zara explained that there was more good to come from his returning to rule than a decision to stay, you could litterally watch as she began to acknowledge that what she had wanted was selfish. And, although she knew that it would be excessively hard and painful to let the most wonderful thing to enter her life leave, she knew that she was helping save an entire planet.

Lois didnt cry. Tears had mounted in her eyes almost consistantly since he had made the decision. She tried to remain calm and think of the greater good, but as she hugged him and tried to convince both him and herself that there would come a day when they would see each other again, you could feel that rushing through her body was strain, fear, doubt, and all the memories of him she could muster.

Hugging the one man you have ever loved, the one thing you have ever loved, and not knowing whether or not you would see him again, would be so incredibly painful. Her body trembling, she closed her eyes and tried to remain under control.

I would have been bawling. I would have been shaking so bad, I probably wouldnt be able to stand. Granted, Lois' character is written very differently from my personality, but still! To know that kind of love and have to let it go, is the most amazing sacrifice! I can only imagine that she was overcome with an almost adrenalin type feeling that was allowing her body to remain controllable and sustain itself.

The real goodbye came, and as he flew out the window, for what she knew to be the last time, she collapsed into the arms or Jon and Martha Kent. Her whole body almost into convulsions she finally whispered to herself, "Its over. Everythings....over." And, for the first time, she began to really let the tears flow. He was gone. And, she would never know that feeling of love and passion again.

I only hope that I can find such a love before I die.