Saturday, May 27, 2006

Worthy Of Note

I have lots of friends that are worth tribute, but today I really want to express how much I absolutely love and admire Mariette. Here is what I love about her!

Im better at lists...

*Shes gorgeous, but doesnt flaunt it.
*Shes more talented than anyone gives her credit for her.
*She is so sweet to everyone. Even if youve made her mad.

More specifically...

*The face she makes when she puts her fists up to kick your butt.
*The way she laughs hysterically.
*The way she seems to understand everyone.
*The sympathy she holds for everyone.
*The way she can just give you a compliment without thinking about it. She KNOWS what she likes about you.
*The underestimated talent.
*The responsibility.
*Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom! Oh man! That song will always make me think of you!
*The memories
*How she honestly cares about her friends!
*The way she will listen to you. Sometimes only you.

I just thought you should all know how awesome she is! I love her! Dont anybody go saying anything bad about her cause I will poke your eyes out!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Official Decision

*Lady In Red by Chris De Burgh playing in the background*

Ive decided not to go see him. At all really. I may go to the play, but Im still not sure about that. I will go to the homecoming talk, but anything else....I just dont think so.

Id be too afraid. Nothing any of you say will bring out any hidden courage, so dont waste the time and energy trying. No offense, I do appreciate when you do that....Itd just be useless this time.

I did some thinking. I took my CD player with Kenny G in it and sat atop my shed. It is very overcast right now. Cool. Windy. Just right for staring at the lake and pondering. Even crying a little.

Hes had three years of chances and I have had three years of waiting for him to take them. If he wants to see me, he will come when he gets a chance. I know he wants to, I just dont think he wants to like I want him to. If that makes sense.

Its all around just a better decision to stay away until the talk. Im not pretending to be what Im not, but at the same time....I just dont think that he needs me there. Hes a big boy. He'll be fine.

As I sit here listening to our song and remembering some seriously funny times we've shared, I just know. He will come. When he is ready to see me.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Sue Cartoons

Im looking for a way to publish my Sue Cartoons, but I havent the faintest idea of how to do that. If any of you can enlighten, please do! Finishing the fourth season made me realize....I may have something here...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Some Thoughts

Thinking about him. Not in control. My imagination goes on without me. I think thoughts I wish were true. I have dreams I wish were life. I cant stop. Hes my imaginations favorite subject.

I tell myself no. I tell myself I dont know what will happen and to stop it. I cant stop. I dont want to get my hopes up, but I constantly am. I hate it. 4 weeks of total torture. Madness.

Theres also the agony of wondering what I should do that night. Where should I go? Should I stay home? Should I support my friend when his family cant? But what happens if Boy sees me the very instant? Would he come?

So many questions. No answers.

Simple things are beginning to remind me of him. The way people talk. The way they laugh. The way they move. Anything.

Five years. For what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. If he hasnt changed yet, I dont see why hed change now. A mission couldnt be that helpful to me. Could it?

I talk to Daddy. He used to tell me everything I couldve wanted to know. But now...Now its like he just sits and smiles at me as if to say "Im teaching you patience. Wait and see."

Wait and see. I phrase I absolutely abhor. Its awful. The agony. The pain my heart and mind endure while trying to patiently wait this one out.

Its never felt this bad. Sure, I spent many a sleepless night at first. Sure, I cried myself to sleep many times at first. Sure, there were times that I thought I would die without him there to help me. But, all of those times together were not as bad as this. I cant breathe. I picture him. I remember him and my favorite memories with him. I wish I had them all filmed so I could make a movie. It would be an awesome movie.

How can I feel this strongly? I dont know what this is. Its new. I look at him and I know. I have no idea what I know, but I know something. And, magically everything makes sense. No questions asked. I feel like Dorey. "I look at you and I can remember. I look at you and...Im home."

My heart hurts. Do you know what thats like? To feel like you heart is physically being squished in someones hands. They took him away from me. I felt similarly when my Grumpy died, but this is even stronger than that. I never loved anyone as much as I loved my Grumpy. I dont dare to hope.

Every song makes me think of him. Half of the time I dont listen to people talking to me anymore. I just think of him. If he ever said...or did...anything to imply that he...I would cry. It would be similar to Emma Thompson in Sense and Sensibility when Hugh Grant proposes.

Can you really fall in love at thirteen?

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Emotional

Its a girl thing. I get emotional about stupid things. I always think theyre stupid anyway. Tammy and Eddie usually back me up saying they are valid reasons to get upset, but still...They are...Different than me.

I went to see the bishop of my home ward today. I hate that man, and he hates me. Everyone knows I am only rejoining my home ward to go to girls camp. Heres the whole stupid story.

I went to one acts today. I was reunited with different parts of my past. Parts I wish to forget, parts I miss, and parts I wish to rekindle...but cant. It was an overall good experience. But, I walked away knowing that some people had changed and I didnt want to be their friends anymore. Some people had changed and I WANTED to be their friends. Some people had changed and because I had too...we COULDNT be friends anymore. I dont think anyone felt what I did though.

After an awkward afternoon I had an apointment with the Bishop. He wanted to know about my life. I told him I was waiting for a recommendation from my Singles Ward Bishop so I could got LDS work services. Stupid man. He gave me a recommendation. I couldnt stop him. The funny thing is....I wouldnt stop him. I dont know what happened. Word vomit I guess. I said, "Would you? Thatd be great!" With a huge smile! Hes conning his way into my life again and here I am grinning like an idiot!

He couldnt stall for very long. I knew why he called me in there. He wanted to talk about camp. "I have called everyone I need. I wanted to give you a different calling." I sat there fighting back the tears. "No!" I told myself. "No! Im an actress! Fake like its an awesome idea!" I dont know whethere he bought it or not. We just kept staring into each others eyes till I felt like we both wanted to just kill each other then and there. Stupid man. "I want to call you to be our Single Adult Representative." Which, when interpreted means "We want you to feel like we are nice enough to let you stay in your ward, but you will really be in this ward."

"Is that something youd be willing to do?" *still smiling* "Sure! Thatd be awesome!" More word vomit! How do you stop it! I felt like I had the word flu! "What the hell are you saying?! Stop it! Stop it now! Its a trap!"

"Great! We'll sustain you on sunday."

As I walked out of the church building and back to my house, I couldnt fight it anymore. I burst into tears. What the hell? How did this happen to me? I need...I dont know...Word Flu medication.

Effing whore...