Monday, March 27, 2006

The Small, Dark Room

The weekend hasnt been going too good. You cant really focus on ANYTHING. Everything goes by in a huge blur. As you wander the halls of your church building you look for some where you can be alone.

Youre in luck. A small, empty classroom, in the back...forgotten. You walk in. Its cold, dark and lonely. Two lights...off. The only light in the room comes from a single window. Two chairs. You sit in one, leaving the one across the table empty.

As you sit you realize how much like this classroom, your life is. The walls are the way youve managed to seclude yourself. The lights are the light of Christ. Youve shut those off yourself. The window is the few close friends you have, shining their lives into yours, and the chair is waiting, just as you are, for a friend that isnt there.

You must make the walls fall down and bring your life, back to life. You turn to the only steadfast thing you can think of...your passion. You get up, think of a song and begin dancing.

Youre feeling better. You stop as the door slowly swings open and down the hall you can see your friend. Hes staring into your eyes. you call his name over and over. He hears you, but does not respond. You begin to wonder if he cant or wont. The look on his face suggests wont.

You cant breathe. Your throat swells and soon the phrase "all choked up" becomes a physical feeling. You back away, trying to find any reason at all for hope. You end up backing yourself up into a corner. Your legs give way, and you fall.

Alone in the corner of a cold, dark room, you wonder how any of this couldve happened. You realize you have "fallen from the horse" so to speak, and must try again. You collect yourself and rise to try once more.

Youre twirling and kicking your way across the floor again until suddenly it hits you. You arent as good as you thought. Youre a failure. You begin to realize all the faults you have and judge yourself harshly. You move back to your seat, rejected, and await the only person who can save you from the Hell youve trapped yourself in...the friend who wont come.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Secrets

I believe that secrets were meant to be shared. Everyone shares them in their own way. Some whisper them into the wind to be carried to unknown places. Others tell a friend bringing them closer than they were before. Some tell inanimate objects. Things that have no voice cannot tell your secret.

I am a very social person. Most of my secrests need to be shared with a friend. I believe in friendships with secrets. I believe friendships dont survive without them.

My problem is matching the right secret to the right friend...

Torn Between Two Lovers

Love is a funny thing to try and explain because it is so many different things. It varries from person to person and situation to situation.

I wont say I love one more than the other. I cant say I know one better than the other.

If they were both drowning and I could only save one of them, I honestly dont know how it would be...

Sunday, March 19, 2006

The 3 Amigos!

SUNDAY SCHOOL:

*When the comment was made that when looks fade you need to have other stuff there to support the marriage-
"I was gonna raise my hand and say 'Brandons looks will never fade!' but I didnt..." -Mario

*When handed the role-
"Oooo! I love this game! You find your name, and then put an X by it!" -Mario

*When he noticed I was coloring in class-
"How old are you again?" -Scott

*After he brushed off some hair from the coat covering my legs-
"You just wanted to touch my leg!" "I did. It was nice!" -Bryn & Mario

*After I brushed some hair off of Scotts leg-
"You missed some! Theres still one there...and there...You forgot that one!" -Scott

*After passing the popcorn bowl on-
"Oh. Im sorry. Did you want one?" "no...no...No!" *he hands me one kernal* -Scott & Bryn

*In a discussion about how neither of us hold grudges-
"I dont have enough friends to hold grudges..." "Me either!" -Bryn & Scott

*When discussing my relationships with people over text-
"Yeah. I have the same problem. The only guys I can get to like me are the ones that dont know me. And once they find out Im a guy its all downhill from there!" -Mario

*After the comment was made "Its like a credit card. You buy more than you can afford and youre in debt for the rest of your life!"-
"Holy cow! What is she buying?!" "Lets go to her house!" *nod* -Mario & Bryn

*After the discussion about the "role game"-
"I should bring you a coloring book!" "Oh my gosh! That would be so fun!" -Bryn & Mario

*After a girl in class called to us to sit next to her-
"Lets not sit next to her. She always tries to reach into my pockets! Well, cus...I always have goodies..." -Mario

*After the question "Would you rather have this bowl of popcorn right now, or an unlimited supply after you harvest the corn yourself?" was posed to the whole class-
"Id rather have the bowl of popcorn now. You can buy more anytime!" "Yeah. Thats what I was thinking. Harvesting is too much work!" -Mario & Scott

*Bryn raises arm to show she has a comment* *Mario slaps her arm down* *Bryn raises hand again* *Mario pushes it up so high and so fast her head flies backward too*

*After Bryn and Mario were fighting over a slip of paper-
"Whoa! You two alright there?!" "No..." -Scott & Mario

*After the teacher asked "Does anyone else have anything" (meaning to add to the lesson) and Mario had tried to steal Bryns paper but failed-
"Yeah! Yeah Bryn! Did you have anything?!" -Mario

*After class had ended-
"Thanks for coming and having fun with me...The fun was all mine!" "Greedy!" "I know. Can you blame me?" -Mario

*When Bryn asked if Mario would like to give her a ride home-
"Would I like to? More than life itself!" -Mario

*sigh* I love class...

Friday, March 17, 2006

What The Carp?

Your Irish Name Is...

Duvessa O'Connell





Your 1920's Name is:



Dixie Socorro


Monday, March 13, 2006

Fantasy

I havent felt this way since I was little.

Its been called to my attention that I have....fallen for a text messege, or a voice, or...something...

I dont know him. Im nuts. What is going on? I cant do anything about this. The fact is... I dont know! There are no facts!

I hear the voice and I get excited. I remember jokes or envision future events and...*tingling*...

How did this happen? Ive always thought things like this were stupid and unreal. I never knew how this kind of thing could happen. I still dont! But, it happened!

I.... I.... Need to talk to someone....

You know when youre little and you fall for the suave hott cartoon or fictiscious character? This is just like that! I hid it from myself for so long, but its true! I dont actually know he exists the way I think he does.

That whole physical post was a light in a dark room, if you will. It made me see that... I dont know what I have. I dont....aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

I dont want to think about this! I want him to call me and tell me everything will be fine! I want to hear him say Im beautiful one more time! I want to forget I ever thought these thoughts! I want... To feel him. I dont know that hes real... Help.

I wake up holding my pillow so tightly, and knowing I cant hold him. I write these words reluctantly because I know that eventually he will read them. I dont want him to know Im crazy. But, I am. I dont deserve to be liked...

To self:
You talk like you have something! You dont! Hes not yours! Let it go...

Saturday, March 04, 2006

New Friends :)

Amir: "Hey, I got this....smiley face text from you...? Are you ok?

Nate: "hi um, thanks for not answering your phone jerk face! I guess uh...we might end up dancing this weekend? but youll have to call me if thats ok. so...bye."

Dan: "Why you gotta make fun of me all the time?"

JB: "My apartment? The place in which I reside?"

Yes. They are all guys... what?!

Friday, March 03, 2006

My World

I have this world I live in. Its mostly full of guys because I only let in people I understand. I have this thing about letting people get too close if I dont understand them, but lately...I dont understand anyone in my world either...

I have my closest guy friends. I have Willy, but I never know what we are. I dont know what to say or how to be because...mainly because Ive never been liked so much by someone who Ive 1-never met and 2-dont live in the same state as. Ive never been anyones girlfriend, although, he says thats not what we are... The point is... I dont know what we are...

I have Mike who compliments me every chance I give him. Im beautiful, smart, talented. All the things girls love to hear. But, he doesnt like me. I started to like him, but I cant do that because... Its painful. Why does he keep doing that?

I have Eddie, but Eddie might as well be a girl... and for that reason I will not post about him...

I have Jason. Or, thought I had Jason. I dont know him any more. He lied and that hurt. He likes her, and that hurts. He never even gave me a chance. I dont understand why all this is coming out all of the sudden. I dont know why these things happen to me. I can never seem to find the lesson. I wish I could so the pain would stop. But, Ive lost them. My boys. They are fading from my fingertips as fast as each key on this keyboard...

You look around your world to appreciate the beauty and all things going right, and then right when you take your step back...it falls down. Like some how you not knowing the big picture was actually what was keeping it together. Youve ruined your own world. How do you fix it?

I dont have Boy. I dont have Matteo. I dont have Court. I dont have Bobby. I dont have Mike. I dont have JB. I dont have Willy. I dont have Jason. I dont have anyone!

I wish I did though... Life wouldnt be so hard if I had them... What happened to my world? Where did it go? How did it go? It was so steadfast and immovable. But then, "Ive learned to never underestimate...the impossible"

Where do I go? Im lost and alone... "Old! Alone! Done for!"

I Stole From Jessy This Time!

10 FIRSTS

First best friend: Carrie Guitierez
First item you stole: a poster thingy from target with Shmoo
First pet: A parakeet. I cant remember her name though. Ive owned too many of those in my life...
First piercing: none
First school: Home... sad isnt it?
First house location: Rounds Street, Delano, CA
First crush: Zack...something... I was like 5...or 7...I get those ages mixed up!
First kiss: "while youre at it why dont you give me a nice paper cut and poor lemon juice on it!" Ive never been kissed...
First car: haha! good one...*sigh*


9 LASTS

Last time you smoked: I don't smoke thank you.
Last food you ate: a chocolate shake from Arbys that Court bought me
Last movie you watched on dvd at home: Um, I dont remember. But, I watched the VHS of Peter Pan the disney cartoon today at Eddies house.
Last movie you watched at the cinema: wow. If I cant remember what DVD I watched last, theres no way Ill remember this!
Last text message: Jason Buddy: Sure am.
Last music video u saw: James Blunt "Youre Beautiful"... I dont actually like that one, I was just showing my mom. I like the song, but the video sucks.
Last song you listened to: Forever by Jesse and The Rippers...From Full House...Its on my myspace...
Last words you said: Zack...something...Yes I said that outloud!!!

8 HAVE-YOU-EVERS

dated a best friend: nope
been arrested: nope :D
been on TV: nope
eaten sushi: nope
cheated on your BF/GF: nope. people who cheat should be shot. (Good answer Jess!)
been on a blind date: nope.
been out of the country: Nope
been in love: Yes...wow. Looks like Im cool...


7 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING

1. Blue dance pants three sizes too large!
2. Grey scruntchie
3. Black, blue and purple "Take Stage" shirt from Thespian Conf. last year.
4. White Bra
5. Blue, orange, green and pink polka dotted undies
6. leotard
7. two clips...

6 THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TODAY

1. Found out some nasty truth
2. Skipped ballroom
3. Admitted to liking Nate
4. Went to the Bruin Briefing
5. Failed my midterm
6. Told James I was going to dance lab so I couldnt go to rehearsal and ended up leaving early...

5 FAVORITE THINGS

1. Ireland
2. Tammy
3. Boys
4. The song just for me...*sigh* and no one else even knows...
5. Being someones favorite...

4 PEOPLE YOU TRUST THE MOST

1. Tammy
2. Boy
3. JB
4. Willy

3 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Go to Ireland
2. Eat cheese in a hail storm in front of a closed store
3. Be the one who knows all the secrets...

2 CHOICES

vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate!
rock or rap: Generally speaking, I like Rock more, but I do like rap too!

1 PERSON YOU WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW?

Boy

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Half And Half

50% Girl:

*Does it make any sense that a guy who doesnt "like" you would want ypu to hold his hand?

*Does is make any sense that a guy would cuddle with a girl multiple times and then say, "I dont like you that way"?

*Does it make any sense that a guy would say "I like you" when he doesnt?

*Does it make any sense that a guy who doesnt like you would continue to call you beautiful when he knows you like him?

*Does it make any sense that a guy would be going out with one girl and be "cuddle buddies" with another girl?

50% Boy:

*Does it make any sense that girls would spend hours getting ready only to look just as pretty as when they dont?

*Does it make any sense that girls will spend hours in clothes or shoes that are way uncomfortable?

*Does it make any sense that girls would say one thing and mean another simply to test the character of the guy?

*Does it make any sense that someone could get so attached so easily and yet get over it so quickly?

*Does it make any sense that people could change their personality for every group they hang out with?

It doesnt to me either...